The last two weeks have been particularly stressful, probably more than I realize. 

I’m one that makes a point not to be a burden, not to offend or distress or bother anyone ever … if I can help it. That’s totally from childhood trauma conditioning. I default to listening, almost never sharing. I’ve gone so deep into this conditioning that I often don’t notice when I or anyone else in this system feels anything. However, lately CPTSD has been activated. I’ve felt so anxious, so unsafe, so trapped. It brings the environment of our early childhood years front and center. A good thing – for recovery – but decidedly unpleasant.

Plus, especially lately, I find myself close to tears, often shedding tears. Sometimes it’s about what happened to this area – hit unexpectedly hard by Hurricane Helene. Sometimes its a deeper, clearer longing to be heard, to be seen. So deeply wanting to be held, to feel safe and comforted. It didn’t happen in childhood. It’s far more unlikely to happen now. Even the prospect of meeting someone capable seems far beyond possible.

It’s OK to get a specific food for which I’m hungry. I can just go to the local pizza or Mexican or Asian restaurant. No big deal. These satisfy specific cravings for a certain style, flavor, or spice. Somehow, some way, these resonate with a valid need. Of course! But why isn’t it just as OK to want a hug, or a cuddle with a resonant someone? Is it really such an alien longing – wanting to be engulfed in a cloud of comforting warmth? To know I’m welcome in someone’s arms? They would surely be welcomed in mine. 

They say hugs are a necessity. My therapist even said it takes 12 hugs a day to stay regulated. If this is true, I’m literally decades in the deficit and couldn’t possibly live long enough to balance the scales. As far as I know there are no hug salons or cuddle boutiques. If there were, then maybe one day there could be hugs on the menu for me. 

By Zephyr System
Zephyr’s Cosmos