I wanted to be in our writing group this afternoon, as I do every Sunday, even though writing has felt distant to me.  It’s often easier for me to write “off the cuff” as I do during our time together (compared to being more deliberate with my larger writing project), and I come up with insights that wouldn’t be likely to happen in other ways.  

One thing that I’ve noticed specifically is that my parts seem to feel comfortable writing and having their writing read to the group, and they feel quite a kinship with everyone.  So, I get to have a closer experience of them than is typical for me.  I know DID is designed to be hidden from me, and I know that I no longer need the coping mechanism that worked so beautifully to keep me alive during experiences that were too big for my younger body and mind.  In full honesty, there are times when I am hesitant to be connected to parts because I’m aware they hold terrible things that I’m not excited to be engaged with.  At the same time, I acknowledge that it’s not fair for them to have to hold it alone, and that I am in a much better spot as an adult to be able to navigate the complicated emotions of situations.  

There are times when it seems that it’s my system that determines I’m not ready for something, or that it’s not the correct timing.  When that comes up, I wonder how to balance trusting and respecting the wisdom that has proven worthwhile, with more encouragement to let me stretch my comfort zone in hopes of strengthening our connections.  

I have a daily alarm set to have a system check-in or meeting, and sometimes that is more productive than others.  And, I’m getting better at thinking to check in with my system through the day when something comes up that doesn’t make sense to me.  I’m far from where I’d like to be in terms of that being automatic and a natural part of my lived experience.  

In the past, when things have been quiet internally, there has been a lot going on that I just haven’t been aware of.  My inner landscape has gone through significant shifts, and this most recent one has me feeling out of touch with how things are working.  Some of what’s going on probably has to do with my therapist preparing to fully retire, and hopefully some of it is an indication that there has been healing with less chaos happening internally.  It doesn’t resonate that I feel disconnected because parts have merged or I’ve magically integrated.  Part of me even wants to say that maybe this is finally proof that we don’t really have DID-ha!  

~Corrine