It’s challenging to return to being present when someone else has been managing daily life.  Depending on how things go, it can feel like I am just continuing where I left off before vanishing.  That’s not always the case though, and I’ve become rather adept at covering for my absence and abrupt return for people who are not familiar with my DID, or when I need to be my professional self.  

I do hope to reach a point where I’m comfortable (and not penalized for) saying that I’m not sure what’s really going on.  Sometimes it’s as easy as saying:  “sorry, I didn’t catch that,” and the person readily repeats the most recent thing they’ve said.  And, my system is pretty wonderful about making the transition look smooth, offering at least clues about the nature of what’s transpiring.

Sometimes I wonder if I have co-consciousness, and perhaps the other part of myself isn’t familiar with what’s going on, so something familiar can become foreign in the blink of an eye.  It mostly happens with locations and surroundings.

There can be times when I’ve thought I’ve been present, then discover surprises like things being in different locations, new projects started, or others finished.  Shopping can be the most challenging based on finances.  I’m still figuring out how to balance everyone having what they want.  I purposefully purchase these items because after so many years of deprivation, I want there to be times of happy surprises and feelings of being appreciated and understood.  It seems like one of the easier ways to connect with my system, though obviously not the deepest.  Of course, feeling comfortable and valued makes interacting with parts of myself easier.  I’m aware of concerns about hidden strings and ulterior motives when generosity is offered.  It’s better now, since I’ve had more experience with people I know and trust, but there’s still residue and apprehension during the “wait and make sure everything’s really genuine” time after.

Part of it is the deservability aspect.  For so many years, it was engrained that I didn’t even deserve to live, so being worthy of receiving even a glass of water at a friend’s house has been a huge mark of progress.  Most people aren’t aware of how something so basic can create turmoil.  I think it’s one of the ways people tried to ensure their control over me when I was out of their presence.  If I was busy feeling stressed about every tiny interaction, there wouldn’t be an opportunity for me to engage with anyone in a significant way, and I certainly wouldn’t be able to think for myself.

I’m used to being the outsider, in part because of how frequently we moved, but also because of the stringent ways of having to be around other people.  And, on top of that, ensuring that the other person wasn’t aware of how tangled things became inside took extra energy and focus.  It used to be easier to just be invisible, despite wanting to have friends and be with people who were pleasant.  Sometimes I wonder if I have parts in my system who are better able to navigate these situations, then invite me into the world like I was just here.